My parents are kleptomaniacs. Just don’t tell them I told you. The garden shed is bursting with stuff. The loft is full of old boxes. The shelves teem with ornaments. (eBay will have a good fiscal quarter the sad day they shuffle off this mortal coil.) And the drawers under the bed are stuffed with toys from our childhood.

Which turns out to be quite useful when you yourself have kids and an endless supply of goodies starts to emerge for free from Nana and Grandad. I’ve been reading this picture book to my older daughter, where a little boy hunts around for his lost pet froggie.

Very cute.

Speaking of which, I think we all know of a very cute voice application that’s currently hiding behind a log and looking a bit lost. Whatever happened to Skype’s mojo? Why wasn’t Skype 2.0’s arrival a case for dancing in the streets?

I can forgive the ringing noise being replaced by an extract from the opera Ode to a Kathmandu Stomach Upset. (Believe me, the full work is quite an experience. I’ve been there.) As a customer, I’m not too fussed whether video is a plug-in or comes out of the box. Tweaks in colour schemes and icons don’t impress me. (I’m male. It’s the way we are. I think my mum is still hoping I’ll notice when they’ve redecorated without having to prompt me first.)

No, what’s important is this. Make it work. And make it easy.

Let’s take the former one first. I bought a Plantronics DSP-400 USB headset a while back. It came “Skype certified” together with a small SkypeOut credit. I’m still happy with it. But it’s also very annoying to use. Because I like to listen to music from my laptop with real, quality headphones. Sometimes I unplug the headset when I move my laptop about, or want to use it on another PC, and Windows takes note and resets my audio devices to point to the built-in stuff. No matter how often I set my preferences in Skype to “Plantronics headset”, it keeps being turned back to Windows default each time I unplug. This is, needless to say (but I’ll say it anyway), not a good experience.

It’s a design snafu in Skype. The actual requirement isn’t to select one device from the list, but I should be able to select the preferred order for audio devices it has seen. If the headset is plugged in, use that. Otherwise, revert to the next preference.

My laptop doesn’t have a built-in microphone, and I never plug one into the microphone jack. I should be able to de-select that as an input. Which means anyone calling me when I have no headset plugged in needs to be warned “Martin doesn’t have a microphone plugged in yet”. This case should be handled intelligently.

Perhaps USB headset owners are too small a minority to make this a priority. But then don’t waste your brand karma on declaring it Skype approved.

Another example is the new video chat. I’m pretty convinced that the video degrades the audio quality. My in-laws have low-speed DSL (256k down/128k up). Just audio is fine; add in the video and the sound gets choppy. This is bad, bad, bad. I can guess what’s happening. Skype uses an audio codec supplied by GIPS. The video is probably a separate thing, and not integrated. Asking GIPS to create an integrated codec that prioritises voice to maintain a minimum bit rate will cost Skype Inc mucho dolula. The audio codec API probably doesn’t make it easy to manage the bandwidth use. So we get a kludge, and the “integrated” product isn’t any better than the third-party plugs-ins. It’s more “overlayed” than “integrated”.

Sadly, Skype’s also having a mid-life attack of feeping creaturism. In the rush to add more feature tick-box items, usability and simplicity is being sacrificed. I think I’d find grouping of contact quite useful. But the user interface is just too ugly and obscure. Hint to Skype UI designers: screens are 2-dimensional. There are information architectures other than “list”! (As I’ve whined on previous occasions.)

And why have my SkypeOut contacts suddenly been elevated into the middle of my Skype contacts? This is a case of the product turning against me. Every time you call someone more than once it asks if you want to name and remember that number. Was a useful and harmless feature as long as the list of remembered numbers kept out of sight. But believe me, the UK Passport Office isn’t one of my buddies. And I’ve only just finished successfully suing Expedia in the small claims court after a car rental screw-up last summer. They’re not my friends, either.

I can only imagine the stress and turmoil the development team are going through as the eBay deal sinks in. But these problems smack of leadership issues, where priorities are not clearly being spelled out, and strategic alignment is being lost. If I were in charge right now, the edict would be “no new features!”. Let the API do the work for you. Focus on making what exists even easier. Make every use case or problem be handled ever smarter. The only exception to the rule is anything that integrates eBay merchants and transactions into telephony.

We’ve already got plenty of VoIP tools that kinda work, sort of, as long as you don’t hit any snags or unusual situations. Skype’s positioning is around simplicity, reliability and ease of use. Lose sight of that, and your cute frog will be forever lost.

Martin reads to us from his Telepocalypse weblog.